Who The Hell Am I?

”You’re a ghost driving a meat coated skeleton made from stardust. What do you have to be afraid of?”~anonymous

What I believe is that we all must figure out our own truth.  All truth reveals and all truth hides.  There is no one right way to navigate this life.  I believe the point of the human experience is to live a life that is worth dying for and that the greatest evil human beings participate in is assigning value to other life and then comparing that value with their own in order to create a value based hierarchy.  I also  believe we control our own fate and that we define our circumstances in every moment and every way by our belief, our will, and our choices.

I am on a journey.  I am on a quest.  I am on an artistic adventure to create the most beautiful version of myself I can imagine.  Along the way I still have to keep a roof over my head and feed my kid, look myself in the eye in the mirror and respect the person looking back at me, find healthy expressions of my human preoccupation with pain, suffering, humiliation, degradation, and other nasty sexy hot fun, and finally deal with my body’s primal urging and energy as well as the energy of others.

Its all a balancing act and sometimes I just fall flat on my face.  In the face of face-flattedness (I like to invent words, if its gonna make you crazy run now) I grow.  I accept responsibility.  I look for new ways to grow and improve.  And, it is this process that allows me to design myself.  And I’m grateful for it… and all of the fucked up shit I had overcome through this process in order to really understand the process and willfully begin to manipulate it.  (Thank you, friend, for opening my eyes.)

I’m always looking for ways to be mutually beneficial with others.  I think this is pretty much the optimal way for humans to interact and so that is what I live.  I want to enjoy others and be enjoyed and I have little patience with cycling negativity.  I’ve worked really hard on me, and I’m happy to talk to you about how I did it, neuroplasticity is amazing.


Busted Societal Expectations

My leather sister has just come out as a lesbian.  She’s been really struggling for the last several months to come to terms with her feelings about men and women and societal expectations.  Being her sounding board through this struggle has been really eye opening for me.  I identify as a genderfluid pansexual.  That means that I enjoy sex with cisgendered males and females, transgendered males and females, and genderfluid folks like myself.  Genderfluid is a term used to describe people who sometimes identify male and sometimes identify female.  I am sometimes a lady, sometimes a girl, sometimes a dyke, and sometimes I identify as male.  For most of the time I’ve known my leather sister, she has identified as a genderfluid pansexual as well.  But she just wasn’t really happy.  There was all this pressure from her vanilla life to have a boyfriend, gush about guys, and conform essentially.  And, she tried.

She dated a wide variety of cisgendered males.  And, ultimately, she always felt used.  Or bored.  Or obligated.  Or some combination of all of these negative emotions that are just not conducive to maintaining emotionally satisfying relationships.

Because it was expected.

And, a few weeks ago, she decided fuck what anyone else thinks, I want to be happy.  The transformation has been beautiful.  She is lighter and happier than I’ve ever seen her.  She says that she is just more comfortable in her own skin than she’s ever been.  I’m thrilled for her.  And, a little sad and frustrated with our society that she had to exist in all of that old misery for so long because god forbid we live to suit ourselves in this culture.  It is so often classified as selfish to just try to be true to our own primal callings.

And, why?  Our planet is so fucking overpopulated it’s ridiculous.  We have people living in deplorable conditions without enough food to eat or clean water to drink.  Why in the hell is our society so damn resistant to to people loving in ways that feel good and right to them that also has no potential for worsening this problem.  If more people could just love who they want to love and fuck who they want to fuck without fear of consequence from people who really have no business determining their sex lives maybe we could get some kind of grip on our planet’s population and distribution of resources.

It just seems like a no brainer to me.


Catalyst Con East Initial Impressions

I made it home from Catalyst Con last night at around midnight.  It was snowing big ol’ buckets of snow and the trip took forever.  My ankle is still jacked up because I fell down the stairs a few weeks ago so I couldn’t drive.  But two of my partners took turns driving and we slogged through it.  They also took turns singing to distract me from my fear of the icy roads.  I definitely felt loved which was a wonderful way to begin reconnecting after an intense and cerebral weekend.

I have a lot of new content bubbling around in the back of my head and I foresee a lot of changes to how this site works based on what I learned at Catalyst Con.  I’m also delighted to reveal that I have some products to review and that this week will include honest opinions about WeVibe, Tantus, and Sportsheets goodies.

I met many people that I enjoyed/respected/admired, learned a ton of stuff I’d never even considered and gained new perspectives on many issues I’ve been considering for a long time.  I got to talk with Sexquireabout the possible legal ramifications of my work and spent a long time discussing the similarities and differences in our work withRituals for Tantra.  I got to go to Ashley Manta’s  pajama party where I dared someone to do a strip tease.  She did and it was awesome!  I even got to go out to the strip club for super cheap filet mignon and a great show.

And, for the first time in my whole life, I talked about being a sex worker and did not feel defensive about it at all.  There was no need for that fuck you edginess that I’ve wrapped around me for so long like a cloak of invincibility.  It allowed me to look more objectively at how I’ve programmed myself concerning the sex industry as well as the evolution of the cultural scripts available to define sex work.  I’m still untangling my thoughts on all of that but I will definitely be writing about it at length very soon.


We Vibe Thrill Review

The We-Vibe Thrill is just fun to look at.  I love the raspberry/silver color combination and the overall shape of the toy is intriguing.  It comes in a really sturdy, discreet box with a magnetic closure that would allow you just to stick it back in the box and leave it on the nightstand without tipping off the casual bedroom visitor.  A satiny white bag is also provided.

The thrill is made of 100% medical grade silicone and ABS plastic which meets my picky health standards.  It doesn’t have that nasty chemical smell that you get with oh say… pvc.  The overall texture is very smooth, almost silky. I was concerned about the area where the silicone meets the plastic, but its almost completely seamless and there is no pinch.  It has three ridges in the g-spot stimulator which I could absolutely feel.

I’m not going to lie, inserting the Thrill is kind of a bitch.  The neck of the toy which makes it comfortable also makes it kind of floppy.  And once I had it completely inserted the control button was pressed snugly against my mound.  This is my greatest complaint with the Thrill.  I’m a thick chick and pressing the control button to switch between the eight different settings resulted in several pinches to my pubis.  You can kill the power either by cycling back through to off or holding the button for two seconds.  If you cut it off by holding the button when you turn back on it will return to the setting you left off on.

The vibrations were surprisingly intense considering the lack of noise.  I was so blown away by how quiet the Thrill was, I got my leather sister to put her head next to my waist while it was inserted and on high.  She concurred that its remarkably quiet, and had I been wearing pants she probably could not have heard it at all.  The rumble factor doesn’t suffer a bit, the vibrations were nice with settings from mild to ultra and four different patterns.

This model uses a magnetic charger which holds remarkably well.  It can be charged through a USB port but also comes with the wall adapter.  It has an indicator light that turns off when it is fully charged and a full charge only takes 90 minutes to achieve.

Overall this style of vibrator just isn’t my cup of tea.  I like to ride my vibe and there just isn’t anything to ride.  But, I think that girls who like to masturbate with their legs together would absolutely LOVE the Thrill.  And, in case you were concerned that this vibe was gonna go to waste, I think its perfectly suited to insert in my submissive and then take her out in public for a little fun.  Its design and super quiet motor lend themselves very well to public play.  And, for those of you that only have your bathroom for privacy the Thrill is waterproof.

The powerful vibration, excellent g-spot stimulation, and lack of clamor would have won the Thrill five stars but I pinched my twat.

This toy gets 4 out of 5 stars – a rollicking good fuck.

Sexual Healing

Its not very often that you find a Licensed Clinical Social Worker who believes in the power of sexual healing. Stanely Siegel talks about the importance of sexual healing on his website. While he admits that perhaps not all sex workers are this ethical or caring he says that his experience and that of many of his clients lead him to believe a lot of sex workers “share many of the same positive values and ethics as therapists.” This attitude makes me incredibly interested in checking out his book Your Brain on Sex: How Smarter Sex Can Change Your Life. This work puts forth the idea that examining and exploring your truest and deepest sexual desires can be transformational for your life. I concur with this hypothesis and have found this to be true in my own life and that of many folks for whom I’ve written neuroplasticity programs. This book is definitely on my wish list!



So… I’ve set a goal for myself to blog about an important sex positive topic every day this week. I have a post brewing in my head about positive critical self evaluation but I find myself incredibly distracted by my naked boy sitting on the bed enjoying his morning off. I think more field research is necessary. In the name of science.

Overcoming Intimacy Roadblocks

I very often use smut as a way to communicate my fantasies to my partners.  I love opening new erotic possibilities to explore but even I am shy about discussing my own wants from time to time, particularly my submissive wants.  Writing sexy stories is one of my favorite ways to bring up a new idea.  The process usually goes something like this:  I have a fantasy, I write a story about said fantasy, I email it to my lover, I receive a confirmation that he’s received the email, and finally we discuss the ins and outs of exploring said fantasy.

One of my greatest challenges in discussing what I want in the bedroom centers on a fear of negative judgement from my partner.  This is a largely unfounded fear, I don’t have partners that are not open, accepting, and eager to explore.  And, yet, the fear remains.  I think this is something a lot of folks struggle with and one of the greatest blocks to satisfying sexual relationships.

I imagine there are a great number of ways around this issue.  In fact, I teach a number of them in my Spice It Up class.  But, I’m always on the hunt for new ideas.  Please share in the comments below how you talk with your partner about your fantasies.  Please particularly share any ideas you may have for overcoming the silence created by the fear of negative judgement of your sexual desires.


Body Confidence for BDSM Exploration

A friend of mine suggested I write a new class last week. Its a brilliant suggestion, so I am developing a class about body confidence as it relates to public play. Its a 101 class to help those new to the scene be able to decide if they want to explore public bdsm play. There are many good reasons for playing publicly (access to experienced Tops, access to equipment, safety concerns, ect) but many are uncomfortable at the thought of disrobing in a room full of people. This class is designed to explore this issue. I’m excited about finishing it and presenting it. I really hope that its helpful

Moving Madness

Some asshat broke into my house. Twice. And, now I’m moving in with friends. So here I am, breathing between boxes and looking at the random clutter of my life. I’m trying really hard to be philosophical about this and not feel like panic has taken control of my life.

As soon as things settle down I’m writing a program to deal with this sort of panic paralysis. I will not allow old pain to dictate my present or determine my future.



Holiday craziness is finally beginning to recede, and I find so many projects waiting for me to pick them back up that I hardly know where to begin.

On December 7th I won the title competition for Miss Virginia Unlimited Leather 2014.  I’m very excited about the upcoming year’s opportunities to learn and grow in that context.  I’ve chosen a charity to support that I’m incredibly excited about.  Bikers Against Child Abuse is such a beautiful concept and I’m so thrilled to be able to help their efforts to help abused children regain a sense of safety.  Check them out, I really feel it is a wonderful embodiment of all the best parts of the Leather lifestyle.

The rough draft of my mind control book is finished.  I’m sending it out to some of my most trusted friends to edit at the first of the year.  Once its all shined and polished I’m going to epublish it.  Its exhilarating.

I presented my mind control class at one of my favorite dungeons in North Carolina this month and I’m scheduled to present it at another in January.  I love helping people build programs to love their authentic sexual selves and every time I do the workshop portion of that class I’m blown away by the wonderful ideas people put forth.  I learn something new every time.

I’ve got several other classes I’m developing and I’m really eager to find places to present them as well.  I’m working on a Consensual Kidnapping class and a Primal Play class.  Both are pretty near and dear to my heart and I’m hoping they will be as well received as Mind Control: Off the Beaten Path has been.

learning to live a life worth dying for

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